Courage, And My Lack There-of. (Fix It)

As you might have noticed... or at least i hoped you've noticed.
I dont update every day... this isny my xanga. (link on side)
This is for me when i decide i need to write, when the feeling hits me... it wont be a long drawn out explanation of my day, it wont be what i wore, or who said what...
Its pure emotion
And as my header says

Its life... At its Utmost Beautiful.

Which leads me now into my next question.
Well, kind of sort of... or maybe i just wanted to say that.... whatever

"My daydream screams bitter 'til the end
The love i share -true- selfish to the heart
My heart, my sacred heart"

I want courage... i want real life courage.
I know some of the most courageous people in the world... who deal with things everyday that most people should never have to deal with.
But i have none of this courage... absolutely none

You can disagree if you want, and i know some of you will..
But Its true...


"Few scenes or moments from my life mean more to me
Than our fine nights... i remember like yesterday.
The time of my life"

I have the courage it takes to stand on a stage and pretend to be someone else (keyword... pretend)... the kind of courage it takes to hide who i am and show the world a character.
I can recite lines like a pro, but what happens when i have to make up my own?
i freeze
Like a cement block.
I have the courage it takes to put words on paper and post them on a xanga
I have the courage to take a picture.
I think thats where my courage ends


Where'd the rest of my courage go?
How come i have to be so afraid of life? How come i have to be so afriad period....
DO i have to be so afraid?


"Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same"


I dont have to be so afraid, so the true question is... Why am i?

I dont have much of an answer, but i can try... cant i? Isnt that the point of life? Trying...
Im afraid because of my past, because of my past decisions, and the past decisions of others.
im afraid because its the only thing i've known.
Im afraid because its what i've been taught to feel.

When someone hurts you it doesnt just go away
You'll always have that scar
Thats why im afraid.
Im afraid to try things that i tried in the past, and they failed miserably
Im afraid to open myself up to people... because of the people who have abused that privelege in the past.


I cant forget the past but i can try to move on... cant i?
You can't dwell on something forever, i guess this is part 2 (Kill Bill style... right stephen?)
Of my last entry.

The only thing that i find it appropriate to drown yourself in... is music.
Sink into words, let them wrap around you like a security blanket
But not the past, not the future, and not misery

You can't let yourself focus on what is, or what was.
Dont be afraid because of something that happened.
If anything, be afraid because your afraid.
Thats the truth

truth... what an ironic word... truths escape me...

I wish i wasnt afraid
I wish i was brave, had courage

I wish i had the gut to even pay for a movie ticket with a torn 10 dollar bill
But im so afraid confrontation that i cant.

The thing i realize is... i can change myself
I dont have to be overwhelmed by this fear, this cautiousness that consumes me.
Not to say that i wont be cautious... because i will.
Not being cautious has ruined parts of me that wlil never be the same, not everyone is trustworthy.


Only one person can change the future, thats you
Only two people can make a future... you and that one person you choose to share everything wtih.

and only one person can let the past slowly fade away like it should
You


Dont let the past decide the future, dont let the present reflect the past
You make mistakes, and so does everyone else, but dont let those mistakes get to you now.
Dont forget them, but dont drown in them .
Its a lesson, not a reincarnation.


Comment

And this concludes our broadcast day.... *click*