Courage, And My Lack There-of. (Fix It)

As you might have noticed... or at least i hoped you've noticed.
I dont update every day... this isny my xanga. (link on side)
This is for me when i decide i need to write, when the feeling hits me... it wont be a long drawn out explanation of my day, it wont be what i wore, or who said what...
Its pure emotion
And as my header says

Its life... At its Utmost Beautiful.

Which leads me now into my next question.
Well, kind of sort of... or maybe i just wanted to say that.... whatever

"My daydream screams bitter 'til the end
The love i share -true- selfish to the heart
My heart, my sacred heart"

I want courage... i want real life courage.
I know some of the most courageous people in the world... who deal with things everyday that most people should never have to deal with.
But i have none of this courage... absolutely none

You can disagree if you want, and i know some of you will..
But Its true...


"Few scenes or moments from my life mean more to me
Than our fine nights... i remember like yesterday.
The time of my life"

I have the courage it takes to stand on a stage and pretend to be someone else (keyword... pretend)... the kind of courage it takes to hide who i am and show the world a character.
I can recite lines like a pro, but what happens when i have to make up my own?
i freeze
Like a cement block.
I have the courage it takes to put words on paper and post them on a xanga
I have the courage to take a picture.
I think thats where my courage ends


Where'd the rest of my courage go?
How come i have to be so afraid of life? How come i have to be so afriad period....
DO i have to be so afraid?


"Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same"


I dont have to be so afraid, so the true question is... Why am i?

I dont have much of an answer, but i can try... cant i? Isnt that the point of life? Trying...
Im afraid because of my past, because of my past decisions, and the past decisions of others.
im afraid because its the only thing i've known.
Im afraid because its what i've been taught to feel.

When someone hurts you it doesnt just go away
You'll always have that scar
Thats why im afraid.
Im afraid to try things that i tried in the past, and they failed miserably
Im afraid to open myself up to people... because of the people who have abused that privelege in the past.


I cant forget the past but i can try to move on... cant i?
You can't dwell on something forever, i guess this is part 2 (Kill Bill style... right stephen?)
Of my last entry.

The only thing that i find it appropriate to drown yourself in... is music.
Sink into words, let them wrap around you like a security blanket
But not the past, not the future, and not misery

You can't let yourself focus on what is, or what was.
Dont be afraid because of something that happened.
If anything, be afraid because your afraid.
Thats the truth

truth... what an ironic word... truths escape me...

I wish i wasnt afraid
I wish i was brave, had courage

I wish i had the gut to even pay for a movie ticket with a torn 10 dollar bill
But im so afraid confrontation that i cant.

The thing i realize is... i can change myself
I dont have to be overwhelmed by this fear, this cautiousness that consumes me.
Not to say that i wont be cautious... because i will.
Not being cautious has ruined parts of me that wlil never be the same, not everyone is trustworthy.


Only one person can change the future, thats you
Only two people can make a future... you and that one person you choose to share everything wtih.

and only one person can let the past slowly fade away like it should
You


Dont let the past decide the future, dont let the present reflect the past
You make mistakes, and so does everyone else, but dont let those mistakes get to you now.
Dont forget them, but dont drown in them .
Its a lesson, not a reincarnation.


Comment

And this concludes our broadcast day.... *click*

Welcome to the dollhouse.

Well I've done it, I have caved in and made the last possible type of online journal I can.

This is for me to sort of my thoughts/ideas.
Read it if you want, it might be entertaining... If not... Then... Don't, LOL.
I really have no preference, but if you do read it comment.
I want to know how my audience is.

No really I love you...

And yes I interrupt my thoughts with random italicized and bold comments and lyrics.
Deal with it.

Life throws you all kinds of shit, "lemons" for those of you who have a tamer mouth than I.
Well, what do you do? Wallow in self pity? Move on and act like it doesn't affect you?
This is a question that has been in my head for awhile now, most of this school year.
Its hard to deal with something when your feet are trying to turn around and run the other direction, really I know how that goes.

I've tried lots of solutions.

I've tried covering emotional pain with physical pain.
- This is a stupid idea, its another kind of pain added ONTO The emotional pain... If your trying to stop hurting then this is adding onto the problem and nowhere NEAR a solution.
And if you hurt someone else... don't hurt yourself to "make up for it" another mistake I've made and thoroughly regret.

I've tried wallowing in self pity, and grabbing for the pity of others
- Yet another bad idea. You cant really deal with something if your drowning yourself in it... Can you? No... You cant. You cant want to swim, but decide to not try and expect to wash up on shore, unhurt, or at all. And as for grabbing onto the pity of others, it just pushes them away and hurts you more... Its all in all a bad situation.

Ive tried moving on and acting like i dont care
- Keeping things locked up inside you is the worst thing you can do, not letting them out just makes them grow. And acting like they arent even THERE just hurts when you finally realize they are and you stop living in what could be considered a dillusional world.


So, back to my original question. What DO you do?
The most that i can think of is to live life to its fullest, go about being as happy as you can even if you cant have what (or who) you truly want. Happiness is based on your own perspective, and that is completely changeable... so do it. If you dont get the job you want, if you cant go out with the guy you love (for now) ... then dont think of it as the end of the world.
Take it from a different perspective... such as, in the guy situation.
Ultimately it will be better in the future, when we're both happy and its easier.
is a much better way to look at it than, we cant date now and im miserable.

Why BE miserable? If things are good then done let one bad thing make your idea of it change to bad.



"Dont worry Be HAppy"




Why cant i seem to take my own advice?

Why does your life always seem worse than everyone elses?
Thats another question for another day


And this concludes our broadcast day.... *click*