The Law Of Conservation of Love (Love is never gained or lost, merely transfered. Clever, eh?)

Todays topic? Love.

But not the sappy kind of "oh im in love" post, this is about what happens when... something doesnt work out, or things happen to break people up. Is it possible for love to still exist even when that person might be dating someone else?

I know that you can still love them, sometimes its like a curse.

But is it possible for them to still hold a love for you in their heart, even when they are starting a new love with someone else? This is something that as of late holds big importance in my life.

Not that he is starting something with someone else yet, but it will happen.

And though we arent ever going to say never... that possibility can only come after we have both moved on for awhile and experienced different things.


The only thing im afraid of...ok, not afraid... terrified of.
Is that i'll be pushed into the back of his mind. Not forgotten, because i know he wont ever forget me... but pushed aside and made less important. Not even that though, because it is crucial that we NEVER forget, but learn to form new feelings for other people. Im scared that after awhile, we will both have changed so much that we cant even be friends. All i can do is change, as he changes, and try my hardest to keep this bond, this inexplicable, ineffable, and unmatchable bond we have created living and striving.
Now, i for one can't say that i will feel for anyone the way i felt this summer, for quite some time. I had never felt that before and i will be lucky to feel it again, but i dont think it will happen at the drop of a hat. So for me, moving on is more of an emotional thing. Even if, in the future i havent dated anyone else, i wil have had an oppurtunity to be independent, to not have the ties, emotionally, physically, or personally with him.

And if i decide and he decides we want those ties again, then we can stop pushing the feelings aside, and also reform new ones that werent there before.


Ultimately we could be stronger in the future, something that i can look forward to a chance at happening again, but not base the extent of my future on.
If it happens, it happens.

If it doesnt, it doesnt and i will never forget that summer, that boy, and this love.


But when he does move on, and creates a new feeling with a new girl. Will this summer still be as important a memory to him as it is now? Will he still look back and smile on that oddly eccentric 15 year old girl that "won his heart" and get that warm feeling in his heart? OR will it just be one of those memories that its impossible to forget, but holds no actual meaning.

Only time will tell


Time, the damned thing that started this whole mess will tell the outcome
But i guess i must give time applaus, for at least it gives itself a chance to fix the messes it creates, not many disasters can also be the solutions.


I hope you were able to follow this, it was just a sporadic outpour brought on by a very powerful conversation last night, one where i finally figured out the inevitable, and even though i still wish for that thing that isnt a definite...

Im so happy that he wants me to be a close friend, someone he can share things with and come to when he has problems. I want to be the first person he comes to when somethings not right, hopefully i have not lost love, but lost a boyfriend and gained a best friend.


Love doesnt die, but in this case it was just transfered for awhile to a different kind of relationship, one we both need.



I want to thank him for understanding, and explaining to me.
And telling me that i was in the passengers seat, so i have a chance to buckle up.


Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And thank you to whatever force brought on enough strength in him to realize what he wanted and needed, and is giving me the strength to realize this to.


Here's to the future, and not the promise, but the chance of something wonderful now, and something great in the future.



Only time will tell.

And this concludes our broadcast day, i'll leave you with wisdom from the minds of others. Quotes if you will, from my new obsession, my quote book. (plus one from me)

~ It feels like maybe youve been there so close, this whole time, and that we just kept missing eachother for one reason or another. Or that maybe it wasnt time for us to meet yet. But im glad i found you. - Stephen Gerald Totten

~I hate that this happened, however i dont regret dating you, but whether or not you believe that is up to you. I dont regret our kiss at 7:30 on the 12th at your moms hous on that old comfy couch, i dont regret our first date, i dont regret the notes or poems, or our crazy summer. Im glad it happened, i keep all my memories, and i have all of yours in a pretty box on my nightstand. - Me

~ We all have our good 'ol days tucked away inside our hearts, and we return to them in daydreams like cats to favorite armchairs.

~ Falling in love consists merely of uncorking the imagination, and bottling the common sense

~ Hope is a good thing, maybe even the best of things. And no good thing ever dies - Shawshank redemption

~ You cant be a proper writer without a touch of madness

~ Some people come into your life destined to leave it. You can wrap your arms tight around them, but the best you can hope to do is slow them down a little. Cause theres just no holding on.

~ If pictures have anything to say its this: I was here, i existed, i was young and happy and someone cared enough about me to take my picture. - One Hour Photo

~ All your young lives we search for someone to love... someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if someone, somehow, is perfect... who might be searching for us.

~ Your under no obligation to give me your heart. I gave mine in full and without question and im happy with that, whether you even know or not, that you carry it. - Becca Romano

Crossing Bridges

I hate it when i feel sorry for myself, the whole process is actually quite ridiculous.

You make a mistake, or perchance someone else makes a mistake (though usually when you feel sorry for yourself, it is your own fault.) then you deal with the consequences... right?

WRONG!

Why do we have to deal with all this in between crap? Especially when this in-between crap has lasted for almost 6 months now. 6 months of this and i still come to the same conclusion: Its not right


So, why dont i just stop feeling sorry for myself you ask?
Its really simple... i seem to not have developed the certain hormone, or thought process that lets me move on easily... Tragic, i know. But what can ya do?
Absolutely nothing

I know people who cut things out of their lives, people who seem to be so ready to just move on at the drop of a hat... but i dont want that. I just want to be able to look back at the past and not feel that pang inside that makes it more current than it should be.

Lets explore this idea
This... well, me.


What does kat want?

This statement doesnt concern me anymore because its not about what i want, its more about what everyone else wants and if it coincides with what i want... if not, then too bad.

Its not about what makes me happy, or what would make things easier on me. Which is fine, because (his) ultimate happiness was always my concern, and still is. His ultimate happiness is starting to depend on things outside of my control though... Things that im still not ready to think about fully, but i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.


Thats life i guess, coming to bridges and crossing them.
Crossing your fingers and hoping that the frayed edges you have created, dont choose this exact moment to unravel and send you plunging into the dark abyss... or flaming, boiling, molten lava (if you prefer.)

The only advice i can give, simple things i have picked up along the way:

- Always smile
- Dont drown yourself in the bad things, when you could be swimming in the good
- Wear a life jacket when you cross a bridge (safety first)
- Tie your shoelaces, falling hurts (even falling for someone)
- Never let some one tell you who you should be
- Never love with anything but all you have, someones gonna get hurt.


Thats all my fried brain can come up with.
So i guess for now i'll bid thee adieu. I wonder if anyone reads this...

Oh well, no matter, a place for me to sort my thoughts.

THis concludes our broadcast day. *click*

Courage, And My Lack There-of. (Fix It)

As you might have noticed... or at least i hoped you've noticed.
I dont update every day... this isny my xanga. (link on side)
This is for me when i decide i need to write, when the feeling hits me... it wont be a long drawn out explanation of my day, it wont be what i wore, or who said what...
Its pure emotion
And as my header says

Its life... At its Utmost Beautiful.

Which leads me now into my next question.
Well, kind of sort of... or maybe i just wanted to say that.... whatever

"My daydream screams bitter 'til the end
The love i share -true- selfish to the heart
My heart, my sacred heart"

I want courage... i want real life courage.
I know some of the most courageous people in the world... who deal with things everyday that most people should never have to deal with.
But i have none of this courage... absolutely none

You can disagree if you want, and i know some of you will..
But Its true...


"Few scenes or moments from my life mean more to me
Than our fine nights... i remember like yesterday.
The time of my life"

I have the courage it takes to stand on a stage and pretend to be someone else (keyword... pretend)... the kind of courage it takes to hide who i am and show the world a character.
I can recite lines like a pro, but what happens when i have to make up my own?
i freeze
Like a cement block.
I have the courage it takes to put words on paper and post them on a xanga
I have the courage to take a picture.
I think thats where my courage ends


Where'd the rest of my courage go?
How come i have to be so afraid of life? How come i have to be so afriad period....
DO i have to be so afraid?


"Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same"


I dont have to be so afraid, so the true question is... Why am i?

I dont have much of an answer, but i can try... cant i? Isnt that the point of life? Trying...
Im afraid because of my past, because of my past decisions, and the past decisions of others.
im afraid because its the only thing i've known.
Im afraid because its what i've been taught to feel.

When someone hurts you it doesnt just go away
You'll always have that scar
Thats why im afraid.
Im afraid to try things that i tried in the past, and they failed miserably
Im afraid to open myself up to people... because of the people who have abused that privelege in the past.


I cant forget the past but i can try to move on... cant i?
You can't dwell on something forever, i guess this is part 2 (Kill Bill style... right stephen?)
Of my last entry.

The only thing that i find it appropriate to drown yourself in... is music.
Sink into words, let them wrap around you like a security blanket
But not the past, not the future, and not misery

You can't let yourself focus on what is, or what was.
Dont be afraid because of something that happened.
If anything, be afraid because your afraid.
Thats the truth

truth... what an ironic word... truths escape me...

I wish i wasnt afraid
I wish i was brave, had courage

I wish i had the gut to even pay for a movie ticket with a torn 10 dollar bill
But im so afraid confrontation that i cant.

The thing i realize is... i can change myself
I dont have to be overwhelmed by this fear, this cautiousness that consumes me.
Not to say that i wont be cautious... because i will.
Not being cautious has ruined parts of me that wlil never be the same, not everyone is trustworthy.


Only one person can change the future, thats you
Only two people can make a future... you and that one person you choose to share everything wtih.

and only one person can let the past slowly fade away like it should
You


Dont let the past decide the future, dont let the present reflect the past
You make mistakes, and so does everyone else, but dont let those mistakes get to you now.
Dont forget them, but dont drown in them .
Its a lesson, not a reincarnation.


Comment

And this concludes our broadcast day.... *click*

Welcome to the dollhouse.

Well I've done it, I have caved in and made the last possible type of online journal I can.

This is for me to sort of my thoughts/ideas.
Read it if you want, it might be entertaining... If not... Then... Don't, LOL.
I really have no preference, but if you do read it comment.
I want to know how my audience is.

No really I love you...

And yes I interrupt my thoughts with random italicized and bold comments and lyrics.
Deal with it.

Life throws you all kinds of shit, "lemons" for those of you who have a tamer mouth than I.
Well, what do you do? Wallow in self pity? Move on and act like it doesn't affect you?
This is a question that has been in my head for awhile now, most of this school year.
Its hard to deal with something when your feet are trying to turn around and run the other direction, really I know how that goes.

I've tried lots of solutions.

I've tried covering emotional pain with physical pain.
- This is a stupid idea, its another kind of pain added ONTO The emotional pain... If your trying to stop hurting then this is adding onto the problem and nowhere NEAR a solution.
And if you hurt someone else... don't hurt yourself to "make up for it" another mistake I've made and thoroughly regret.

I've tried wallowing in self pity, and grabbing for the pity of others
- Yet another bad idea. You cant really deal with something if your drowning yourself in it... Can you? No... You cant. You cant want to swim, but decide to not try and expect to wash up on shore, unhurt, or at all. And as for grabbing onto the pity of others, it just pushes them away and hurts you more... Its all in all a bad situation.

Ive tried moving on and acting like i dont care
- Keeping things locked up inside you is the worst thing you can do, not letting them out just makes them grow. And acting like they arent even THERE just hurts when you finally realize they are and you stop living in what could be considered a dillusional world.


So, back to my original question. What DO you do?
The most that i can think of is to live life to its fullest, go about being as happy as you can even if you cant have what (or who) you truly want. Happiness is based on your own perspective, and that is completely changeable... so do it. If you dont get the job you want, if you cant go out with the guy you love (for now) ... then dont think of it as the end of the world.
Take it from a different perspective... such as, in the guy situation.
Ultimately it will be better in the future, when we're both happy and its easier.
is a much better way to look at it than, we cant date now and im miserable.

Why BE miserable? If things are good then done let one bad thing make your idea of it change to bad.



"Dont worry Be HAppy"




Why cant i seem to take my own advice?

Why does your life always seem worse than everyone elses?
Thats another question for another day


And this concludes our broadcast day.... *click*